Hearfelt Confession

I always think that dramas are not only an entertainment in my life. It is a way for me to seek comfort from the realities of life. It's sad but the it's the truth, nonetheless.

Is it perhaps because I'm not strong enough to live my own life and trying to cast all the miserable thoughts aside through fixating my gaze on the laptop screen?

I've always known that I seek comfort in dramas but I can't seem to  acknowledged that I'm trying to escape the realities of my life through them. I'm never good with words, the words are always jumbled up in my brain, and I can't seem to ever form the right sentences to describe my inner thoughts. However, this sudden thought come to me as I'm about to face something that will probably change my life forever. I guess I always love dramas also because my pain seems nothing compared to the pain of those characters I've watched. Then I would be able to say to myself that I have no right to become sad over my life. My life's problems may seem so insignificant and minuscule compared to how some characters are facing life and death situations. So how can it be compared to this insignificant problem of mine? But why does the pain keeps on tingling in my spine and anxiety washed over my heart every time I need to face a certain problematic situation. Why does it feel like my life is just a hopeless mess and 

how can I face how worthless I am?

If I were to face such tragedy, I just hope that someone will see me worth more rather than just another existence in this world.

If I were to get out of this mediocrity, Can I choose to be love, a love so deep and intense that it exist beyond my conscious self?

Dramas give strength for my soul and yet it leads me to be more cowardice than ever. It gives me a sense of yearning and desire of how I want my life to be as magnificent as those that lived their lives behind the Tv Screen.
To live a life that's more sublime
than the society's definition of living a great life for a woman is:
To go to school, get into a good university, get married, raise children, maintain a happy family and retired peacefully.
Is there all there is to it?
I have no doubt that it can offer us happiness but just for once i want to experience a soul-searing love, whether it is a love of my ambition or a love between men and women.
The kind of love that can only exist in movies...
Still, if i was to be granted both, I would have no more regrets..
But it's hard to say this out loud as if this dream is like a sin that has to be hidden to avoid being reprimanded by society
However this stubborn little head of mine can't help but wonder why I'm not allowed to be unsatisfied by the paths that are chosen for me just as I step foot on this Earth
I can't and I refuse to conform  just because the society thinks it's right

Therefore, I hope that one day I'll have enough strength within me to fight the ideals of society and live a life so fulfilling that it exceeds even my own imagination..