A shadow of my former self

How great would it be to float unstructured, without ambition or anxiety 

As a design student, fashion design student precisely, i have this pretty awful confession.. This confession can be summed up in one short sentence: 

It was fun until i was obligated to do it 

Is that why your job can only be the second thing that you love the most and not the first? I used to love design and art, then two years of studying it, i realised i lost the joy of doing it..... For me design is to express my thoughts and my emotions, i love the whole freedom of it. It's the best way to be the most "true" version of myself without having to explain it in words. Design gives me bliss, the bliss that can't be explain and can't be found anywhere else. My love for it and my desire to find that bliss used to be a driving force to push through all the hardships. Can't believe that two extremely hard and exhausting years have passed since those early naive days..Now what's left of me is fear, anxiety, doubt, stress, and fatigue. I look the same but i'm only a shadow of my former self... 

I'm not one to give up though.. It's all or nothing. I read a quote somewhere that says "The value of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it," and until i reach a breaking point i won't stop. I'm not completely beaten yet and I'm going to find that joy that somehow got lost. Perhaps by letting go of my ambition and not being pressurize by the need to be "successful". I think that success should only be the bonus and not the driving force behind it. That way our creative thoughts can be more pure and it can flow more smoothly. The desire to be successful refrain the creative mind from thriving.. What's the use of success anyway if i don't find joy in the things that i do? It matters to me more to regain the fiery passion and the happiness i initially had rather than being too overly ambitious. Therefore, if the world throws rocks at me, hating my designs, i still can smile without regrets. Beauty can only be seen through the eyes of the beholder anyways...