Song Of The Clouds // A Lifetime Longing

The love was so deep, so deep. But time was so short, so short.... 

Forgive me for being sentimental once again. I just can't stop drowning myself in Tong Hua's literary works. It's different though this time because I was not so into it the first time. In fact I dropped it a few times because I can't seem to get attached to any of the characters in the beginning unlike lost you forever. The female lead just annoys me and I can't seem to justify her actions. However, what affected me the most was the ephemeral relationship of Ling ge ge and Yun Ge. Once again, I have to applaud Tong Hua for creating such a masterpiece in terms of a heart wrenching love story. She is a brilliant but cruel author indeed. I mean... she has an extraordinary ability to pull all of my heartstrings in a quiet and gradual way. There's just this thing that Tong Hua has in her writing, I can't seem to exactly pin point it but the way she writes just completely shatters my inner being. You come to a point where you just cry your eyes out, simply ignoring and completely forgetting the outside world.  I come to a point where I'm just in a daze wherever I go, suddenly remembering a quote or a prose and my eyes start to get uncontrollably watery. Sometimes I completely just wonder.. How can this be ?! First of all let me just say I'm not one to cry, I rarely cry in real life, even that fact irks all my friends. Sometimes I wonder if I'm saving all my tears for all the sad books and movies that I ought to watch in this mundane life of mine.

This is not really a review. I just like to write all the things that tugs my heart, seemingly refusing to let go, and things that are continuously rings in my head. I like to think that one day, perhaps months later or years later, I would read this post and remember all of the beautifully painful memories that greatly affected my notion of love especially while indulging myself in this book. How great would it be to be able to experience such great love in this lifetime..... I wonder if I would actually choose the same life path as Yun Ge, getting an immense and deep ephemeral love with your one and only soulmate but with the consequence of a lifetime of pain, yearning, longing, and a lifetime of living in the memory of a person whose no longer there. Or I would choose to just live simply with someone who loves and respects me, but will never experience a true and deep happiness..

To say they are not fated – then why was it that all her thoughts and feelings, he understood it all, and all his thoughts and feelings, she understood it all. Him and her – one was quiet, the other active, yet they had the same interests and the same soul. To say they are fated – then why did they keep missing each other time and again. 

.........


The man wore a black fox fur cloak, the woman a rare cloak of red fox fur, one reserved, the other smiling, one cold, one warm, there was dissonance yet a strange sense of harmony

___________

Liu Fu Ling nodded. Yun Ge took the oars from him. “Let your lady servant, I, row the boat. Perchance which dock would the young master like to go?”

Liu Fu Ling, with one hand on the boat steer and one hand on his chest, laughed “Wherever the young lady would like to go, then I shall go there.”

Yun Ge held the oars and rowed towards the direction of the sunset. A huge red round setting sun turned the little boat into a tiny reflection. The faint sounds of laughter wafted out from the scent of the lilies.

“If your lady servant, I, want to go to the edge of the sky?”

 “I shall accompany you.”

The dark night was like wine, the stars like a blessing.

“To the horn of the ocean?”

“I shall accompany you.”

“To the top of the mountain?” 

“I shall accompany you.” 

_________

“You seeing it is the same as me seeing it. Hurry up.” Yun Ge pulled on a branch with her might and leaped one final step, and she was on the mountain top.


The moment she arrived at the peak, a red round sun burst from the sea of clouds. In that split second, the entire world turned bright and all living creatures came to life. Before her was a glorious blue sky filled with clouds, behind her was Liu Fu Ling smiling at her with the sunlight on his face. The golden light highlighted his fine features and Yun Ge felt like crying. She opened her arms and screamed towards the rising sun “Ahhhhhh——” 




......

After she climbed the mountain with Liu Fu Ling, Yun Ge thought everything would be like before. But, she was wrong.

Yun Ge only grew thinner as each day passed in silence; in the stillness, she waited for her heart to turn into ash. Sometimes she would wake early, or sleep late, waiting for Liu Fu Ling in the garden, in between the palace walls, staring at his departure and return. She used her silence to protect her last bit of pride, but each time she stared at him, her eyes had already betrayed her.

If Liu Fu Ling was willing to look into her eyes, he would definitely be able to see it. When he saw her, he would stop for a moment, but everything they had together was only worth making him stop for just that one moment. He silently walked past her, walking far away. Leaving her to be torn apart and wither in the wind. 

_________

A sweet scent from the lotus leaf should have burst into her mouth, but everything was bitter. I shall accompany you? I shall accompany you! The words from the past still rang loud and clear. He only forgot to say that he would hold someone else’s hand to accompany her. But her boat was too small, and couldn’t sit a party of three. 

Yun Ge shouted towards the whole pond full of lotus leaves and flowers “You heard what he said that day too right? Yes or no?”

The flowers were silent, the moonlight lonely. 

//

Yet it turned out that she couldn’t cut it off as easily as she thought she could. Maybe it was because this was her “Ling Ge Ge”, or maybe this was because her feelings were already out of her control, no matter what she witnessed or heard, there was still that disbelief in her heart. Purely because of that tiny ray of hope deep down in her heart, she threw aside her pride...

__________

....she must witness all the proceedings clearly. Now that their promise of ten years has been reduced to ashes, she must extinguish all the sparks from the ashes.  

Step by step, Yun Ge walked away. Behind her, the red doors of Jiao Fang Hall slowly closed behind her; in front of her stood darkness, the rest of her life splayed out in front of her, without any ray of hope.


“You just found out that the perfect man of your dreams was only a mere mortal like any other man; you definitely wouldn’t be in the mood to listen to a long story of growing up. In the future, I will tell you everything bit by bit, you can’t escape from it.” The pain she was trying to ignore reared its head, and Yun Ge doubled over in pain. She only managed to stand firm after holding her breath. She tiredly replied “You and him are different people. Meng Jue, I won’t see you again.”


Yun Ge didn’t decrease her speed, only turning back to shout “He is different from all of you, and I’m the world’s greatest idiot!”  

___________

“I’m sick.” 

Yun Ge froze. When the true meaning of his words came crashing down, she felt like something was pressing heavily against her chest, she just couldn’t get rid of it, she grew dizzy, like the whole world was turning.

Nothing that can’t be solved in this world? Yun Ge saw the roaring water coming towards her from all directions, but not the strength to fight them, so she could only watch herself drown helplessly.

She quietly leaned against Liu Fu Ling, closer and closer, till she was tightly plastered against him. She reached out to embrace him tightly, her ear at his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Liu Fu Ling stiffened but showed no other reaction. Yun Ge started to shiver.

Liu Fu Ling finally reached out to hold Yun Ge, holding her tighter, with all the strength he had, as if as long as they both used their strength, they could be together forever, till their hair turned white. Yun Ge’s tears fell quietly, to the beat of his heart.

The cold, crescent moon outside threw silent light into the pitch black Xuan Shi Palace. The jade steps turned white under the light, like they were covered in snow.

..... 

Yun Ge remained in a silent embrace with Liu Fu Ling, both not truly sleeping. Yun Ge had heard the phrase ‘white hair in a night’ but thought it was pure exaggeration. It wasn’t until now did she truly understand the meaning of it. It turned out that yes, people could turn old overnight.  

Liu Fu Ling felt like he was in a farce. It was like everyone in Xuen Shi Pavilion saw him as a white rabbit, and everyone was hoping and praying that Yun Ge the tiger would devour him. 



.....

I don’t want forever and always, I don’t need to grow old together. I want our remaining time together to be truly living, truly having each other. 

___________

Looking up, there was a sky full of stars. Looking down, there was a lake full of stars. And in between, fireflies glowed like stars. The experience was so surreal, making one feel like standing in the Milky Way.

“Some people live an entire life and never experience happiness. Some people live to be nineteen and have truly been happy before. I would rather be the latter.”

“Ling gege, since I was a child my wish was to become your wife. Do you want my wish not to come true? You keep thinking about tomorrow, but you forget that what you are doing today is making me cry. Why can’t you give me happiness right now? You can still give me a lot of happiness right now? A lot, a lot. So why won’t you?” 

He lowered his head and picked up the edge of Yun Ge’s robe, tying a dead knot with his own robe, tightly binding them together. He also picked up a lock of Yun Ge’s hair and tied it in a knot with a lock of his hair. 

When he raised his head, he smiled and reached for Yun Ge’s hand 

“With the Heavens as the witness, with the stars as the matchmaker, you are my one and only wife in this lifetime.”

Yun Ge broke into a beaming smile, and in that split second, her smile caused the entire star-filled sky to lose its glory.

The ties were loosened, the robes gently parted.

The air was crisp and cool, but their embrace was warm and inviting.

His movements were tentative and untried, but tender and intoxicating.

This magical experience seemed to stand still at this very moment. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

Thoughtfulness Brings Pain, Deep Love Never Ages 

Him and her began to live the ordinary life of a married couple. Yun Ge cooked for him, and he read books, wrote calligraphy, painted, and played his flute. The two of them held hands and walked in the mountainside slowly, enjoying the views of the rivers, the waterfalls, seeing the clouds dance, watching the dew glisten. Or they looked at nothing in particular at all.

 __________

As Yun Ge flipped through her book, she wasn’t reading a single word, but she liked this feeling, of them both together. She secretly glanced at Liu Fu Ling, deep in concentration, writing, then moved her gaze back to her book. A moment later, her eyes couldn’t help but move again to her side. 

“Yun Ge, what are you looking at?” 

“Looking at you”  

 He didn’t even look up as he straightened her head. 

The days pass as usual in the mountains, and Liu Fu Ling only felt how short each day was. In his entire life, he never wanted so desperately for time to slow down.  

___________

The two of them said not a word, but it was clear in their every gesture. One person was not despondent in the face of impending death, the other was not inconsolable in the face of impending loss. In the time that was remaining, they enjoyed the beauty of their world together. 

Perhaps the two of them knew that their time together was quickly slipping away, so day and night they spent every moment by each other’s side.

__________

In the day time, she was his hand, his eyes, doing things he couldn’t do. She told him about the world outside, describing everything vividly. He could only stay inside the room, but from her eyes and her voice, the world outside entered his heart. Despite the four walls of their room, their world felt infinitely big. Their laughter would ring out constantly. At night, she curled into his arms and told him stories, read him books, and even picked up his flute and played him songs.

He could no longer play an entire tune, and her skill at playing the flute improved by leaps and bounds. She played the tunes he often played. In the rise and fall of the musical notes, his eyes revealed his longing, and her eyes revealed unshed tears. When he reached for her in apology, her smile immediately appeared. In her smile he realized that feeling sorry was meaningless between them. 

___________________________________________

His heartbeat was the only solace in her world.....

“Yun Ge, look at the snow plum blossom drawings on the table. I drew them when they were at its most beautiful, preserving their beauty on paper so all you can see is its splendor. But in truth, it’s just like any other flower, it will wilt and die.

“Don’t live in the memory of the plum blossoms at its most beautiful,

that is just an illusion. 

If you compare the plum blossoms on the paper to the ones in real life, 

it’s not fair to the ones in real life.” 

Yun Ge closed her eyes tightly and her voice quivered “I understand.”

Yun Ge soft kissed him on the lips and said with a smile “Don’t worry, I will leave Chang An. I will forget everything here. I will go travel the world, I will write a recipe book. Perhaps I will meet someone who is very good to me, and he’ll go climb a mountain with me to see the sunrise. He will eat the food I cook. I won’t live in the memory of missing you.........I will forget........”

Yun Ge continued to smile but her voice grew softer and softer until it disappeared into the wind. It wasn’t clear if she was saying it to Liu Fu Ling, or to herself.  

_______________

The snow outside fell even harder and the entire world was a wintry blanket of white. Other than the snow, there appeared to be nothing else out there. Time appeared to be stopped by the bone chilling cold.

The two of them huddled against each other, quietly embracing their own forever and always. It was a moment, but it was also a lifetime. It was a lifetime, yet it was but just a moment. 

“The stars in the sky are crying

The flowers on earth are wilting

The cold wind blows, the cold wind blows Only needing your company

The insects fly, the flowers sleep

A pair, a pair is beautiful

Not afraid of the dark, only afraid of heartbreak Not afraid of being tired

Not afraid of North, East, South, West........”

....Silently he departed. 

The room was cold and lonely in the stillness. 

The curtains billowed in the wind, the sound only emphasizing how desolate the room was.

The hand on her face gradually turned cold, until in the end it was as cold as ice. She still didn’t react, only continuing to sing the song.

Her voice was tender and musical as she sang a song about a lifetime’s longing and waiting for someone. 

________

“Staying in one place is not preserving one’s memory. Will the Emperor want to see you like this?” Yun Ge appeared to not want to hear the rest and quickly said “Dr. Chang, you don’t understand. To me he has never left, he is always here.”

Everyone has moved forward. To the entire world, Liu Xun was now the Emperor. Everyone has forgotten him. Those who once sidled up to him, those who curried his favor, those who hated him, everyone has forgotten him.

His figure has faded into the distant time, disappearing little by little each day. Until the very end, when history became only the ink in a book and his life would be sandwiched between other Emperors, not even able to catch one’s eye.

But only she was lucid. In the passage of time, nothing grew faint, and in fact actual grew more vivid. She was lucid and didn’t fit into this time. Everyone wanted to seek their future by walking forward, yet she was the only one constantly reminding them. 

Don’t forget! Don’t you dare forget! He once sat on the gold throne. He once smiled on Shen Ming Tower. He once worked so hard so that everyone’s live would be better. No one is allowed to forget..... 

Is it because there is nothing in the future that she wants? Is that why everyone runs forward and all she wants to do is stand in place?  

___________

Yun Ge felt the sword enter her back and in that moment, she felt a sense of lightness as if shedding a heavy burden.

She didn’t ever want to face this, because her memory stopped at the moment when they were embracing in the snow in the mountain.

At that moment, he asked her to sing to him and then she fell asleep. When she woke up, she was in a strange carriage, therefore she never felt like he died. In her memory, he was just away temporarily. So she never wanted to hear others say he died in front of her. But now she had no choice but to face the reality that he had left her forever. No matter if she cried or laughed, no matter how much pain she was in, he would never respond to her. Because her Ling gege was laying here under this great vast expanse of earth.

  

“Ling gege, I’m so tired! I can’t walk anymore. I know you want me to keep climbing that mountain and I’ll see an even more beautiful sunrise. But that isn’t what I want. It might be more beautiful, but I only want you! I don’t want another sunrise!”

“Ling gege, can I not climb the mountain anymore? I really can’t climb anymore. I want to close my eyes and go to sleep. In my dreams you’ll be there. Even if you don’t talk that will be fine. I want to keep sleeping, I don’t ever want to wake up..........”

“Ling gege, if you knew how hard it was for me, won’t your heart hurt? You won’t want me to keep climbing the mountain, right? You’ll agree that I should rest....” 

___________

The glass house in Yun Ge’s hand glittered under the sunlight, a rainbow of hues taking one’s breath away. But its beauty was as fragile as a beautiful dream, the glass under the sun so easily shattered at any time.

Yun Ge held the glass house with both her hands and looked towards the rising sun. Her eyelashes were still wet with tears but a small smile appeared on her lips. She put the glass house back in the box and then leaned against the railing.

She looked at Xiao Mei and then pointed at her own heart “I will be going with him. He always wanted to see the world outside of Chang An, so I’m going to travel where my heart takes us.”

___________

The face was the same, the dark eyes appeared not to have changed, but in truth it had endured the frost and unending amounts of sadness.

At first glance, an Autumn lake was like a Spring lake, the waters the same color. But a deeper look reveals that underneath was not the warmth of March where the

creatures are starting to come to life, but was instead the cold of October, when the world was already silent. 

“In this lifetime, I will never forget Ling gege.”




....she smiled and put her finger on her lips, indicating for him not to speak. 

“I will never lock him away in the deep recesses of my heart, and I don’t want to lock him away in the deep recesses of my heart. I know I miss him so much, so I want to miss him openly. He loved reading travel journals, so I plan to travel the world and hear about interesting things and write it all down so I can read it to him. I will search for the newest foods, and maybe ten or twenty years later, you will read a cookbook written by me. When I was learning medicine, I promised not to waste what I’ve learned, so I will heal people wherever I’m needed.”

Yun Ge continued “Didn’t all of you ask me to forget all those painful memories and start over again? Now I’ve finally decided to do that. I want to forget everyone and everything, and only remember the things that are between Ling gege and myself. If you want me to start over again, then please let me go! If you keep following me, then I will always remember the moment when you and Huo Cheng Jun forced me to drink the abortion medicine. I’ll remember the satchel you made...........”

“In the thousands of miles of wilderness, I’m sure I can find my peace and solitude.”

Yun Ge finished and jumped on the boat. The river breeze blew her hair around her face and her robe fluttered in the wind. 

This parting, she did not mention meeting again, because she didn’t intend to ever see him again. She only wanted to walk the rest of her life with Liu Fu Ling by her side.

He rushed into the river, falling and stumbling as he tried to chase her “Yun——–Ge——“

His cry contained the sorrow of this world, but it was quickly consumed by the sound of the rolling waves. Only the water continued to flow forward, taking with it all the gatherings and partings of this world. 

__________

Final thoughts: 

I initially thought that I would be attracted to Meng Jue more in this novel because I thought he is like the "xiang liu" of the book. But I can sternly say that Liu Fu Ling completely stole my heart. It's indeed amazing how his parts in the book are very little compared to Meng Jue or Liu Bing Yi but the impact of his character is immense. When Ling ge ge stole the spotlight in the volume, i thought that Meng Jue has no chance of being with Yunge anymore. Their love is so pure and the moments that they shared are so simple and austere, as if they created a whole new world just for themselves. Mengjue and Yun Ge romantic moments are so pale in comparison with Yun ge and her ling ge ge. Like a true soulmate, words are not needed for them to express their love.  It's as if they are created to complete each other. I remember Liu Fung Ling also said that Yunge is like a part of him already and he said "How can one part with his own heart." Their love is utterly beautiful......Just like what Tong Hua wrote for LFL: "It’s like you just stand in the distance and all your emotions are so light that it leaves no mark. It’s so light that even your machinations are light." It's so light that his presence simply resonates with my heart. I like how Tong Hua uses restraint when writing his character because he just simply is. His character is simplicity at its best.