The days are long and the nights are filled with sighs...
I guess it's right what they say, nothing is quite as scary as our inner conflicts. I have trouble understanding myself and what I really want in life. There are so many things that I want to accomplish in this little life of mine but sometimes I feel so small, so insignificant. I often ask myself, "Who am I to do great things?" and I feel like there are some people who are meant to be exceptional and some people who are meant to be average. I'm too lazy, too incompetent, not overly ambitious, and in comparison with other people, I'm nothing more than an average person who still have dreams. With an average face, average talent, will I remain forever average whilst living an average life in a country that doesn't suit me well. A person like me probably deserves a simple life and I guess that's what other people expected me to have. I guess I should be grateful that my life has always been like water, always flowing steadily, without great pain or great happiness. I have never encountered something big or dramatic and I grew up in an ordinary asian family so life has never been particularly difficult for me. You could say that I never have problems with money and I feel like I always get what I want in life. I'm going to go to my dream college in a month and I should feel overly happy but strangely I feel so vacant. I'm finally going to pursue my dream and yet all I feel is how exhausting life is. It's one goal after another, forever endlessly swimming in the current that is life.
When will all this end? i despise myself for never being satisfied over my present state. I dislike the part of me that somehow still craves the presence of another faithful soul beside me to embark on this tumultuous road. I completely understand that in this day and age, it's foolish to wish something like that. I often remind myself, It's fine like this, It's alright to be alone. I would be lying if I said I don't savour this moment of loneliness, because truth is I love being left alone. However sometimes I just feel so cold, so devoid of any emotions that I needed just a bit of warmth Someone who understands and can tolerate all of my peculiarities or at least just a mere faithful companion would be fine. BUT I can't deny that it's hard for me to let go of my solitude and for someone to infiltrate this little world that I built around myself is close to impossible. Have you ever thought that perhaps some people are just meant and better off to be alone? Perhaps I'm not blessed enough to find a soulmate in this lifetime. I know that life will go on just fine even without that someone because ultimately survival doesn't depend on another person. We arrive in this world alone and we will die alone. Thus, even if we're alone for eternity, we will still have to live. I got to blame the abundance of novels and dramas that I devoured for me to have such great expectations in regards to love. I don't know about you but after reading/watching such great stories, people around me just seem so dull especially all the males. They're all so similar and mediocre that I can't be bothered to pay attention to them. I guess in other people's eyes I am also "so similar and mediocre" but even though I may not be any special to them, I still value myself in high regards. If I will never be a princess in their eyes, I want to be a princess in my own right. I don't see the point of exerting a lot of effort to anyone in my entire life even though I've been in relationships before. However the romantics side in me can't help but wonder if there will ever be a day that I can love someone and willing to give everything to them including throwing my rationality aside. I can't help but be worried that life for me will always be this placid. Nevertheless, I'm not so foolish that i'm unable to separate those romance dramas/novels to real life but I'm also unwilling to live life like the many other person beside me. I'm scared that if i'm not careful, people will strip me of all the colors that I have left and i'll be completely lost in this crowded world.
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In the midst of loneliness and confusion, he always felt that there was something, somewhere in the horizon, that once he capture he will understand, understand why they were happy, understand what he was, understand what spring meant, understand why he was alone, but no matter how hard he tried to catch, he could not catch it.
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