C-Novels Review // Part 1

I've been really lacking of new dramas to watch these days so I drifted my focus on reading some english translated c-novels. I'm genuinely surprised by how much I love these novels till the point that i will re-read some of it. C-novels are soaring in the romance part, I have to say. It's like you can't get enough of them and you become a greedy wolf wanting to read more and more. I'm really grateful though for discovering this small world of c-novels online. It makes me really understand what it meant to be loved and to love someone (as cheesy as that sounds). It makes me understand that there are all kinds of love in this world that sometimes we may not understand, but sometimes love is meant to be felt, not to be understood. A great love should defy all rationality right? In some ways reading such sweet things makes my heart a bit sour and I feel a tinge of loneliness. It's a bit shameful to say but I think that this is a part of human nature. We were taught that we were born incomplete, that one of our purposes in life is to find that someone that makes us whole. So we're always searching, restlessly searching...I guess we can only wait, perhaps if we're lucky enough we may get our own share of a sweet love story someday!

Okay... Enough rambling..

Anyway, this post will be about my take and mini reviews of some c-novels that I've been binge-reading these past few weeks.

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#1 One life, One Incarnation: Beautiful Bones

This novel has not fully been translated yet but frankly I love this one the most out of all of the novels that are listed here. I'm sure when it's fully translated it will not disappoint! I feel like the romance in this novel is unlike anything that I've seen before. It's so serene, so quiet, and yet it touches all the right spots. The progress of the romance and the subtle nuances that are hinted throughout the whole novel are so perfectly crafted. Even with the slow pacing, this novel is not a bore at all. Instead you will not want it any other way. This novel is just right... Personally for me reading it warms my heart, to see that there's such a love in this world is a wonderful feeling. One of the best parts of their love story is the rare and realistic mutual understanding that the OTP has. How can anything get anymore romantic and sweet than a love that spans from one life to another?! Thinking back, one of the things that make this novel special is how it has the feel of a historical novel and that makes it much more poetic than reading most modern novels. I feel like it integrates the past seamlessly and that is not an easy feat to achieve.. What more can I say, so far it has been pure perfection and honestly I've been re-reading some of the passages over and over again. My only advise is for you who doesn't like to wait and like to read something from the beginning to the end with no interruption whatsoever just need to wait for a few more months until the novel is fully translated. Either way, this novel will always be a favourite of mine and I really do hope people will like it as much as I do. I really hope that someone can make a drama series out of this novel, someone sensible at least like the one who creates Bu Bu Jing Xin but that is still a looooonngg way to go.

The novel is currently being translated in this blog:
hui3r.wordpress.com

#2 Just a smile is very alluring

Never would i have thought that i would love a novel that revolves around gaming. I was even interested to play similar games that was described in the book. It's simply amazing how this book can show such a squeal worthy and geeky romance that revolves around a Wuxia game. When I first read the synopsis, I didn't expect it to be so addictive and what's even better is that it has been fully translated so that it allows you to do a  reading marathon. Firstly I would like to say that the heroine of this novel is very likeable and I personally really like her type of character. Of course, the male lead is your typical perfect,smart, handsome, popular, prince-charming kind of guy so there's nothing wrong with that. However, I feel like as I grow older I very much prefer a more flawed character to add a more realistic touch to the novel. Anyway, I feel like the story line itself is very good and you will not get bored by it although I think that near the end the story gets weaker in comparison with the beginning part. As for me, I would probably only re-read the beginning to middle part of the story which I find is the most entertaining. Currently, this novel is being turn into a drama series starring zheng shuang and yang yang. Hmmm, I am not entirely fond of the casting of the leads especially Zheng Shuang. I tried to watch her drama many times but there's just something odd about her acting that kinda turns me off. Anyway, I will still give this series a try just because I'm curious how they'll integrate the gaming section in the series.

You can read the english translated novels here:
https://wwyxhqc.wordpress.com/just-one-smile-is-very-alluring/

#3 Husband be a gentleman

This novel is one of the most delightful novels out there. I really adore both of the main leads especially how they interact with each other. It's refreshing to see how both of the main leads are hiding their true selves from the world and only show their true personality to each other. The world is a vicious place and the palace is a warzone. This novel contains the battle of wits and intelligence so for those who like to read palace politics this novel is a great one. I feel like although this novel revolves around palace politics, it is still a light read. For those who have read Song of the Clouds, you will find that the politics makes it such a heavy read unlike this novel. I usually don't really like reading too much of confusing palace politics with people battling for power but I didn't skip any parts of this novel. Perhaps it's because of the flow of the novel or the intrigues that keeps getting me pulled back in but the writer has certainly done a good job in keeping up the pace. Anyway, I feel that this is one of the most interesting novels out there and some times in the future I will definitely re-read it.

You can find the novel in : trungtnguyen123.wordpress.com
(If you go to the website, you'll find that she also translated some other interesting novels that are worth reading. )


#4 You Are Still Here

I have mix feelings about this novel.... I love it as much as I dislike it. It's too realistic that sometimes I feel uncomfortable reading it. BUT the realism is what makes this novel differs from others. I find that the female lead is sometimes too coldhearted and that is a lot for me to admit. I usually love some cold heartedness in some leads because it usually says they are not naive but in this novel her indifference makes me want to scream at her. There's a passage that I really like from the novel though:

For a long period, she kept asking herself why he chose her from the many girls around. Of course she knew that love was unconditional and she could easily accept him just as Cinderella met and secured her prince. But the crux of the matter was, she was unwilling to be Cinderella.

Who ordained that Cinderella must be rescued by a prince? The fairytale only spoke of their happily ever after but had anyone ever considered how superficial their happiness was? No one had stopped to ask if Cinderella was willing. It seemed as though the moment her foot slipped into the glass slipper, she had no choice but to follow the princegratefully back to his castle and live eternally in accordance with the royal rules. If it wasn’t for his rescue, she might have had to continue washing the laundry in the icy lake. But, what if Cinderella was meant to meet an ordinary fisherman that way? What if they fell in love and she was able to live with him, away from the clutches of her evil step-family? Then the world would not have their Cinderella princess but a mere woman who was loved by a simple fisherman.

And she, Su Yun Jin, despite her reticence and low self-esteem, was her own princess. She didn’t want to be in a high profile relationship where the two leads were oddly imbalanced in social standing. She didn’t want to be that Cinderella and endure talk of “How fortunate Su Yun Jin is that Cheng Zheng should fancy her.” Why didn’t anyone once mention how lucky Cheng Zheng was to like someone like Yun Jin? Each blossom is unique in this world. Cheng Zheng may be everyone’s ideal man but even if she was merely a roadside wild flower, she was still special in her own right.

I'm not quite sure why but I like how her mind differs from others. On the other hand, the male lead is sometimes too outrageously childish but cute in some ways. He's an extrovert that likes to show his love in a loud way. So just imagine for a while now how their personality is so contradictory and how it can easily collide with each other... Let me tell you for sure, this novel is certainly not fairytales and rainbows... However, despite its melancholic feel the novel ends in a happy ending which is a good thing I suppose so that's a plus point.


Oh by the way, I also recently just found out that they are going to make a movie out of this staring Crystal Liu and Kris Wu... I am not quite sure about the Kris Wu part no offense but I hope that his acting will exceed my expectations because I actually can't wait for this movie to come out. I hope they keep the ambience of the novel similar..

You can read the english translation here:
hui3r.wordpress.com

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Drifting alone in the sea of People

The days are long and the nights are filled with sighs...

I guess it's right what they say, nothing is quite as scary as our inner conflicts. I have trouble understanding myself and what I really want in life. There are so many things that I want to accomplish in this little life of mine but sometimes I feel so small, so insignificant. I often ask myself, "Who am I to do great things?" and I feel like there are some people who are meant to be exceptional and some people who are meant to be average. I'm too lazy, too incompetent, not overly ambitious, and in comparison with other people, I'm nothing more than an average person who still have dreams. With an average face, average talent, will I remain forever average whilst living an average life in a country that doesn't suit me well. A person like me probably deserves a simple life and I guess that's what other people expected me to have. I guess I should be grateful that my life has always been like water, always flowing steadily, without great pain or great happiness. I have never encountered something big or dramatic and I grew up in an ordinary asian family so life has never been particularly difficult for me. You could say that I never have problems with money and I feel like I always get what I want in life. I'm going to go to my dream college in a month and I should feel overly happy but strangely I feel so vacant. I'm finally going to pursue my dream and yet all I feel is how exhausting life is. It's one goal after another, forever endlessly swimming in the current that is life.

When will all this end? i despise myself for never being satisfied over my present state. I dislike the part of me that somehow still craves the presence of another faithful soul beside me to embark on this tumultuous road. I completely understand that in this day and age, it's foolish to wish something like that. I often remind myself, It's fine like this, It's alright to be alone. I would be lying if I said I don't savour this moment of loneliness, because truth is I love being left alone. However sometimes I just feel so cold, so devoid of any emotions that I needed just a bit of warmth  Someone who understands and can tolerate all of my peculiarities or at least just a mere faithful companion would be fine. BUT I can't deny that it's hard for me to let go of my solitude and for someone to infiltrate this little world that I built around myself is close to impossible. Have you ever thought that perhaps some people are just meant and better off to be alone? Perhaps I'm not blessed enough to find a soulmate in this lifetime. I know that life will go on just fine even without that someone because ultimately survival doesn't depend on another person. We arrive in this world alone and we will die alone. Thus, even if we're alone for eternity, we will still have to live. I got to blame the abundance of novels and dramas that I devoured for me to have such great expectations in regards to love. I don't know about you but after reading/watching such great stories, people around me just seem so dull especially all the males. They're all so similar and mediocre that I can't be bothered to pay attention to them. I guess in other people's eyes I am also "so similar and mediocre" but even though I may not be any special to them, I still value myself in high regards. If I will never be a princess in their eyes, I want to be a princess in my own right. I don't see the point of exerting a lot of effort to anyone in my entire life even though I've been in relationships before. However the romantics side in me can't help but wonder if there will ever be a day that I can love someone and willing to give everything to them including throwing my rationality aside. I can't help but be worried that life for me will always be this placid. Nevertheless, I'm not so foolish that i'm unable to separate those romance dramas/novels to real life but I'm also unwilling to live life like the many other person beside me. I'm scared that if i'm not careful, people will strip me of all the colors that I have left and i'll be completely lost in this crowded world.

______________

In the midst of loneliness and confusion, he always felt that there was something, somewhere in the horizon, that once he capture he will understand, understand why they were happy, understand what he was, understand what spring meant, understand why he was alone, but no matter how hard he tried to catch, he could not catch it.

........

The crooked kind // Elementary's Sherlock Holmes

Oh Dear Sherlock, how utterly brilliant and devastating the inner works of your mind are..

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I have taken a break from the world of Asian dramas and I decided to take a detour to the brilliance of western TV series. I have been unhealthily marathoning a few series and catching up with a few ( Game of thrones, grey's anatomy, etc etc) and started on an amazing one called elementary. It definitely exceeds my initial expectations of a detective genre series which I was not so fond of watching before. Sherlock Holmes, who was acted by sir Jonny lee Miller, was stunning and remarkable, that alone is a significant reason of watching this series. I love his platonic partnership and friendship with Watson, however I do sometimes wish that they will cross the boundaries of friendship. I go back and forth in wanting them to be "romantically" together and being "just friends" just because the beginning of love is also mostly the start of separation. Their relationship is so odd and right at the same time, it's hard to exactly define what is really happening between them. This series also makes me come to a realisation that I need my own Holmes. 

The crime scenes and the sub stories in this series are fascinating but what keeps me going is seeing the gradual development of the characters especially Sherlock and Watson. In American Tv series, it is practically impossible to see the kind of characters they portray and the relationship they have with each other. If you watch Nashville or mistresses, you know what I mean.  The things that sherlock says are so interesting; it can be humorous, intelligent, annoying, and entertaining. 

"My father packed me off to boarding school when I was just 8 years old, hmph. I was a little bit of a know-it-all, well, a massive know-it-all, actually."

"After many, many hours, I've come to most wretched of realizations. One that might curdle your very blood. You are my friend."

Sherlock: One of the things I've gained from our collaboration is the working definition of the word, "friendship". Friendship, I've come to believe, is most accurately defined as two people moving towards the best aspects of one another. It is a relationship of mutual benefit, mutual gain. Another thing I've learned is that my isolationist tendencies are decidedly not my best quality. I am not a better person because of a lack of connection. So I think the healthy thing is for you to not move in my direction. In fact, quite the opposite. Joan: That's worth thinking about.

"Our relationship is predicated on one Holmes and one Watson. It's a delicate homeostasis. It doesn't function properly if there are two Holmeses and no Watsons. So while I am sensitive to this is likely a ripple effect from the tragedy, turning yourself into me in response is not good for our partnership."

nicely put, sherlock.

 "Enjoy yourself, Watson."

"I'll try, Holmes."

____________

Sometimes, I feel like I understand him even though he's just a fictional character. The thing he says, it just resonates something within me. Somehow, I understand why he's a drug addict, it just makes absolute sense. He sees everything, everyone, He understands them. How noisy his world must be. How cluttered his mind must be. His mind is beyond busy so naturally he craves for something that can mute it for awhile at least. It's insane if he can live normally like other people.

I often wonder if I should have been born at another time. My senses are unusually, some might say unnaturally keen, and ours is an era of distraction. It's a punishing drumbeat of constant input. It follows us into our homes and into our beds. It seeps into our... Into our souls, for want of a better word. For a long time, there was only one solution for my raw nerve endings and that was copious drug use. In my less productive moments, I'm given to wonder.... If I had just been born when it was a little quieter out there, would I have even become an addict in the first place? Might I have been more focused? A more fully realized person?

 

Joan Watson: "It's so incredible, the way that you can solve people just by looking at them."

......

Sherlock Holmes: It has its costs.

Joan Watson: What does?

Sherlock Holmes: Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They're everywhere, once you start looking, it's impossible to stop. I just so happens that people, and all the deceits and delusions that inform everything they do, tend to be the most fascinating puzzles of all.

............

Now I think if I were to use drugs again, it would, in fact, be an anticlimax. It would be a surrender to the drip, drip, drip of existence.

Sherlock: No, it *hurts*, Agatha. Everything I see, everything I hear, touch, smell. The conclusions I'm able to draw, the things that are revealed to me, the ugliness. My work focuses me. It helps. You say I am using my gifts. I say I'm just treating them.

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This series also has Natalie Dormer in it playing the great and evil Moriarty as well as Irene Adler, The great love of Sherlock. I just love Natalie Dormer. She is an enigma and her presence can't be underestimated, nor in this series or in other series she's a part of. I just want to paint a portrait of her face in a canvas like seriously. 

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While watching this series, I can't help but imagine being drawn into Sherlock's world. It's hard not to, really. The world that he built, especially in his living quarter, the brownstones, is just so captivating just like his character.  I'm going to New York in a few more months and I just can't help but want my own brownstones. 

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.

But I have promises to keep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

And miles to go before I sleep. 

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Oh and may I say that some of the soundtracks of this series are worth listening to. The sountracks perfectly nailed the ambience of the scenes I, with my dark thoughts and all, personally recommend these songs:

1. "Beekeeper" - Keaton Henson

Believe me,

Believe me, this loneliness won't go away

Hear me,

Oh, woman that has gone astray

Gone astray

Your friends,

Your friends will always just be in your way

Trust me,

They'll die or leave you, either way

Either way

You all say I've crossed a line,

But the sad fact is I've lost my mind

2. The crooked kind- Radical Face 

I heard you tellin' lies

I heard you say you weren't born of our blood

I know we're the crooked kind

But you're crooked too, boy, and it shows

Some get dealt simple hands

Some walk the common paths, all nice and worn

But all folks are damaged goods

3. The long haul-black english 

We’ll be fine I’m sure

Just use the other door

I wanna have a house like they did

We wrestled till we cried

They fucked our state of mind

Don’t celebrate me ’cause I’m jaded

Kinder than solitude

"To be able at any moment to pull up roots minimally put down, to be able to exist without being noticed or missed. These things gave her an off sense of virginal freedom. Anything concerning the heart leaves it in confusion; to desire nothing is to have no vulnerability."

"Much of life's comfort comes not from the absoluteness of happiness and goodness but from the hope that something would be good enough, and one would find oneself happy enough."

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This book gives an insight of the dark side of human's emotion. It's a psychological book that's centered around this idea of loneliness, secrets, and relationships between people. Sometimes I feel like it's too realistic that it gives you an uncomfortable feeling deep inside. We, humans are masters of self-deception, i guess that's why we tend to dislike facing our demons in our hearts. However, this book makes you face that deepest, darkest part of your soul that can be quite disturbing sometimes especially when you read the insight thoughts of one of the main character, Ruyu. I have never quite come across a character as aloof and as detached from the world like her. Neither do I like or dislike her character but you can't help but certainly feel drawn by her every thoughts. It's scary to think how a 15 year old can understand the world so deeply as her and understand the stupidity of human nature. I have to agree though with how she sometimes feel especially when she feels annoyed by how so many people try hard to mold her into someone acceptable by society when all she wants is to be left alone. Her existence disturbs the balance of society and I guess people just don't like seeing someone so different from them.

"Please let the strangers around me remain as strangers..."













"Yet how could she explain that being by her own-and not someone's property- was the only thing she had wanted?.... all sorts of people had since tried to claim her, but to stay unclaimed was to never be disowned again."

“It takes courage to find solace in trivialities, willfulness not to let trivialities usurp one’s life.”

"Only in a drama would an old man lay his hand on the coarse bark of a tree and mourn in advance his own death; in real life, a man's grief for himself was as wordless as the dim light in Grandpa's eyes, the passing days pooling into a stale puddle around his dying body."

“But loneliness is as delusive a belief in the pertinence of the world as is love: in choosing to feel lonely, as in choosing to love, one carves a space next to oneself to be filled by others - a friend, a lover, a toy poodle, a violinist on the radio.”

The habit of being opaque allowed her to be a mystery in other people's eyes. 

....,

“To have an identity – to be known – required one to possess an ego, yet so much more, too: a collection of people, a traceable track lining one place to another – all these had to be added to that ego or one to have any kind of identity

"If she had ever felt anything close to passion, it was a passion of obliterating kind, any connection made by another being, by accident or by intention, had to be erased; the void she maintained around herself was her only meaningful possession."

She was afraid of meeting another person like her, but more than that she was afraid of never meeting another person like her, who, however briefly, would look into her eyes so that she knew she was not alone in her loneliness.

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However the character that I symphatize the most is Moran and it's sad how much she changes over the years. A simple, happy go lucky girl turns into someone who prefers solitude and placidity of life. I think that in the book she's the most relatable character other than Boyang. Moran's train of thoughts saddened me the most, perhaps because i think her life wasn't supposed to be like that. Only if Ruyu had not entered her life.. But that's life isn't it, we can't possibly dwell on the "what ifs" and at the end we just have to accept the bitter path wherever our life takes us. 

Not everyone had the right to music, just as not everyone had the right to claim beauty hope and happiness...

What if she would have nothing poetic in her for people to love?

“Perhaps there is a line in everyone’s life that, once crossed, imparts a certain truth that one has not been able to see before, transforming solitude from a choice into the only possible line of existence.”

The moments and hours and days that followed become an elongated tunnel, in which Moran was the lone traveler, carried forward not by her own will but by the unforgiving current of time. 

"Though her life lacked the poignancy of great happiness and acute pain, she believed she had found, in their places, the blessing of solitude."

-It was odd, how one could become a collector of irrelevant memories-

........

People rarely reclaim what they have lost, they only replace them

__________

Sometimes Moran wondered if her chief merit was her willingness to serve as a human receptacle for details. Sympathy and admiration and surprise she dutifully yet insufficiently expressed, and afterward the others moved on, forgetting her face the moment she was out of sight, or else they would not have seen her in the first place: she was one of those strangers people needed once in a while to make their lives less empty.

With discipline Moran had lived in unperturbed calm. … She had longed for nothing but placidity. But peace like that was only a locked gate.....


But there was this one world, in which Moran had no position to claim as hers. What she did have were observations and questions... those that kept to herself each unanswerable one pushing her further away from the world, sometimes she felt as though she was living from a long way off. Why couldn't anyone detect the hollow echo of her voice when she spoke? 
....,

Each of the most complicated stories offered a clarity that she couldn't find in the world around her, and each character cam to an uncomplaining end. 

The crowdedness of family life and the faithfulness of solitude- both brave decisions, or both decisions of cowardice- make little dent, in the end, on the profound and perplexing loneliness in which every human heart dwells. 

"They were not her stories. They were not about her time, or her people, but what she had once found in these stories-escape-would eventually become her wisdom. Perhaps if she kept these tales going he would one day forgive her stubbornness in choosing solitude, because he, kinder than solitude, was always here for her until death do them apart."

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Anyway, I would extremely recommend this book if you like a more deep, profound, and slow paced novel that has many great quotes! It's not a light read and the suspense is not dramatic, unlike how other mysteries novel should be; however for some reason I was deeply entranced with some of the proses. I especially like the author's keen view of the world and people's emotion in general, that in itself make this book a must read!

Song Of The Clouds // A Lifetime Longing

The love was so deep, so deep. But time was so short, so short.... 

Forgive me for being sentimental once again. I just can't stop drowning myself in Tong Hua's literary works. It's different though this time because I was not so into it the first time. In fact I dropped it a few times because I can't seem to get attached to any of the characters in the beginning unlike lost you forever. The female lead just annoys me and I can't seem to justify her actions. However, what affected me the most was the ephemeral relationship of Ling ge ge and Yun Ge. Once again, I have to applaud Tong Hua for creating such a masterpiece in terms of a heart wrenching love story. She is a brilliant but cruel author indeed. I mean... she has an extraordinary ability to pull all of my heartstrings in a quiet and gradual way. There's just this thing that Tong Hua has in her writing, I can't seem to exactly pin point it but the way she writes just completely shatters my inner being. You come to a point where you just cry your eyes out, simply ignoring and completely forgetting the outside world.  I come to a point where I'm just in a daze wherever I go, suddenly remembering a quote or a prose and my eyes start to get uncontrollably watery. Sometimes I completely just wonder.. How can this be ?! First of all let me just say I'm not one to cry, I rarely cry in real life, even that fact irks all my friends. Sometimes I wonder if I'm saving all my tears for all the sad books and movies that I ought to watch in this mundane life of mine.

This is not really a review. I just like to write all the things that tugs my heart, seemingly refusing to let go, and things that are continuously rings in my head. I like to think that one day, perhaps months later or years later, I would read this post and remember all of the beautifully painful memories that greatly affected my notion of love especially while indulging myself in this book. How great would it be to be able to experience such great love in this lifetime..... I wonder if I would actually choose the same life path as Yun Ge, getting an immense and deep ephemeral love with your one and only soulmate but with the consequence of a lifetime of pain, yearning, longing, and a lifetime of living in the memory of a person whose no longer there. Or I would choose to just live simply with someone who loves and respects me, but will never experience a true and deep happiness..

To say they are not fated – then why was it that all her thoughts and feelings, he understood it all, and all his thoughts and feelings, she understood it all. Him and her – one was quiet, the other active, yet they had the same interests and the same soul. To say they are fated – then why did they keep missing each other time and again. 

.........


The man wore a black fox fur cloak, the woman a rare cloak of red fox fur, one reserved, the other smiling, one cold, one warm, there was dissonance yet a strange sense of harmony

___________

Liu Fu Ling nodded. Yun Ge took the oars from him. “Let your lady servant, I, row the boat. Perchance which dock would the young master like to go?”

Liu Fu Ling, with one hand on the boat steer and one hand on his chest, laughed “Wherever the young lady would like to go, then I shall go there.”

Yun Ge held the oars and rowed towards the direction of the sunset. A huge red round setting sun turned the little boat into a tiny reflection. The faint sounds of laughter wafted out from the scent of the lilies.

“If your lady servant, I, want to go to the edge of the sky?”

 “I shall accompany you.”

The dark night was like wine, the stars like a blessing.

“To the horn of the ocean?”

“I shall accompany you.”

“To the top of the mountain?” 

“I shall accompany you.” 

_________

“You seeing it is the same as me seeing it. Hurry up.” Yun Ge pulled on a branch with her might and leaped one final step, and she was on the mountain top.


The moment she arrived at the peak, a red round sun burst from the sea of clouds. In that split second, the entire world turned bright and all living creatures came to life. Before her was a glorious blue sky filled with clouds, behind her was Liu Fu Ling smiling at her with the sunlight on his face. The golden light highlighted his fine features and Yun Ge felt like crying. She opened her arms and screamed towards the rising sun “Ahhhhhh——” 




......

After she climbed the mountain with Liu Fu Ling, Yun Ge thought everything would be like before. But, she was wrong.

Yun Ge only grew thinner as each day passed in silence; in the stillness, she waited for her heart to turn into ash. Sometimes she would wake early, or sleep late, waiting for Liu Fu Ling in the garden, in between the palace walls, staring at his departure and return. She used her silence to protect her last bit of pride, but each time she stared at him, her eyes had already betrayed her.

If Liu Fu Ling was willing to look into her eyes, he would definitely be able to see it. When he saw her, he would stop for a moment, but everything they had together was only worth making him stop for just that one moment. He silently walked past her, walking far away. Leaving her to be torn apart and wither in the wind. 

_________

A sweet scent from the lotus leaf should have burst into her mouth, but everything was bitter. I shall accompany you? I shall accompany you! The words from the past still rang loud and clear. He only forgot to say that he would hold someone else’s hand to accompany her. But her boat was too small, and couldn’t sit a party of three. 

Yun Ge shouted towards the whole pond full of lotus leaves and flowers “You heard what he said that day too right? Yes or no?”

The flowers were silent, the moonlight lonely. 

//

Yet it turned out that she couldn’t cut it off as easily as she thought she could. Maybe it was because this was her “Ling Ge Ge”, or maybe this was because her feelings were already out of her control, no matter what she witnessed or heard, there was still that disbelief in her heart. Purely because of that tiny ray of hope deep down in her heart, she threw aside her pride...

__________

....she must witness all the proceedings clearly. Now that their promise of ten years has been reduced to ashes, she must extinguish all the sparks from the ashes.  

Step by step, Yun Ge walked away. Behind her, the red doors of Jiao Fang Hall slowly closed behind her; in front of her stood darkness, the rest of her life splayed out in front of her, without any ray of hope.


“You just found out that the perfect man of your dreams was only a mere mortal like any other man; you definitely wouldn’t be in the mood to listen to a long story of growing up. In the future, I will tell you everything bit by bit, you can’t escape from it.” The pain she was trying to ignore reared its head, and Yun Ge doubled over in pain. She only managed to stand firm after holding her breath. She tiredly replied “You and him are different people. Meng Jue, I won’t see you again.”


Yun Ge didn’t decrease her speed, only turning back to shout “He is different from all of you, and I’m the world’s greatest idiot!”  

___________

“I’m sick.” 

Yun Ge froze. When the true meaning of his words came crashing down, she felt like something was pressing heavily against her chest, she just couldn’t get rid of it, she grew dizzy, like the whole world was turning.

Nothing that can’t be solved in this world? Yun Ge saw the roaring water coming towards her from all directions, but not the strength to fight them, so she could only watch herself drown helplessly.

She quietly leaned against Liu Fu Ling, closer and closer, till she was tightly plastered against him. She reached out to embrace him tightly, her ear at his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Liu Fu Ling stiffened but showed no other reaction. Yun Ge started to shiver.

Liu Fu Ling finally reached out to hold Yun Ge, holding her tighter, with all the strength he had, as if as long as they both used their strength, they could be together forever, till their hair turned white. Yun Ge’s tears fell quietly, to the beat of his heart.

The cold, crescent moon outside threw silent light into the pitch black Xuan Shi Palace. The jade steps turned white under the light, like they were covered in snow.

..... 

Yun Ge remained in a silent embrace with Liu Fu Ling, both not truly sleeping. Yun Ge had heard the phrase ‘white hair in a night’ but thought it was pure exaggeration. It wasn’t until now did she truly understand the meaning of it. It turned out that yes, people could turn old overnight.  

Liu Fu Ling felt like he was in a farce. It was like everyone in Xuen Shi Pavilion saw him as a white rabbit, and everyone was hoping and praying that Yun Ge the tiger would devour him. 



.....

I don’t want forever and always, I don’t need to grow old together. I want our remaining time together to be truly living, truly having each other. 

___________

Looking up, there was a sky full of stars. Looking down, there was a lake full of stars. And in between, fireflies glowed like stars. The experience was so surreal, making one feel like standing in the Milky Way.

“Some people live an entire life and never experience happiness. Some people live to be nineteen and have truly been happy before. I would rather be the latter.”

“Ling gege, since I was a child my wish was to become your wife. Do you want my wish not to come true? You keep thinking about tomorrow, but you forget that what you are doing today is making me cry. Why can’t you give me happiness right now? You can still give me a lot of happiness right now? A lot, a lot. So why won’t you?” 

He lowered his head and picked up the edge of Yun Ge’s robe, tying a dead knot with his own robe, tightly binding them together. He also picked up a lock of Yun Ge’s hair and tied it in a knot with a lock of his hair. 

When he raised his head, he smiled and reached for Yun Ge’s hand 

“With the Heavens as the witness, with the stars as the matchmaker, you are my one and only wife in this lifetime.”

Yun Ge broke into a beaming smile, and in that split second, her smile caused the entire star-filled sky to lose its glory.

The ties were loosened, the robes gently parted.

The air was crisp and cool, but their embrace was warm and inviting.

His movements were tentative and untried, but tender and intoxicating.

This magical experience seemed to stand still at this very moment. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

Thoughtfulness Brings Pain, Deep Love Never Ages 

Him and her began to live the ordinary life of a married couple. Yun Ge cooked for him, and he read books, wrote calligraphy, painted, and played his flute. The two of them held hands and walked in the mountainside slowly, enjoying the views of the rivers, the waterfalls, seeing the clouds dance, watching the dew glisten. Or they looked at nothing in particular at all.

 __________

As Yun Ge flipped through her book, she wasn’t reading a single word, but she liked this feeling, of them both together. She secretly glanced at Liu Fu Ling, deep in concentration, writing, then moved her gaze back to her book. A moment later, her eyes couldn’t help but move again to her side. 

“Yun Ge, what are you looking at?” 

“Looking at you”  

 He didn’t even look up as he straightened her head. 

The days pass as usual in the mountains, and Liu Fu Ling only felt how short each day was. In his entire life, he never wanted so desperately for time to slow down.  

___________

The two of them said not a word, but it was clear in their every gesture. One person was not despondent in the face of impending death, the other was not inconsolable in the face of impending loss. In the time that was remaining, they enjoyed the beauty of their world together. 

Perhaps the two of them knew that their time together was quickly slipping away, so day and night they spent every moment by each other’s side.

__________

In the day time, she was his hand, his eyes, doing things he couldn’t do. She told him about the world outside, describing everything vividly. He could only stay inside the room, but from her eyes and her voice, the world outside entered his heart. Despite the four walls of their room, their world felt infinitely big. Their laughter would ring out constantly. At night, she curled into his arms and told him stories, read him books, and even picked up his flute and played him songs.

He could no longer play an entire tune, and her skill at playing the flute improved by leaps and bounds. She played the tunes he often played. In the rise and fall of the musical notes, his eyes revealed his longing, and her eyes revealed unshed tears. When he reached for her in apology, her smile immediately appeared. In her smile he realized that feeling sorry was meaningless between them. 

___________________________________________

His heartbeat was the only solace in her world.....

“Yun Ge, look at the snow plum blossom drawings on the table. I drew them when they were at its most beautiful, preserving their beauty on paper so all you can see is its splendor. But in truth, it’s just like any other flower, it will wilt and die.

“Don’t live in the memory of the plum blossoms at its most beautiful,

that is just an illusion. 

If you compare the plum blossoms on the paper to the ones in real life, 

it’s not fair to the ones in real life.” 

Yun Ge closed her eyes tightly and her voice quivered “I understand.”

Yun Ge soft kissed him on the lips and said with a smile “Don’t worry, I will leave Chang An. I will forget everything here. I will go travel the world, I will write a recipe book. Perhaps I will meet someone who is very good to me, and he’ll go climb a mountain with me to see the sunrise. He will eat the food I cook. I won’t live in the memory of missing you.........I will forget........”

Yun Ge continued to smile but her voice grew softer and softer until it disappeared into the wind. It wasn’t clear if she was saying it to Liu Fu Ling, or to herself.  

_______________

The snow outside fell even harder and the entire world was a wintry blanket of white. Other than the snow, there appeared to be nothing else out there. Time appeared to be stopped by the bone chilling cold.

The two of them huddled against each other, quietly embracing their own forever and always. It was a moment, but it was also a lifetime. It was a lifetime, yet it was but just a moment. 

“The stars in the sky are crying

The flowers on earth are wilting

The cold wind blows, the cold wind blows Only needing your company

The insects fly, the flowers sleep

A pair, a pair is beautiful

Not afraid of the dark, only afraid of heartbreak Not afraid of being tired

Not afraid of North, East, South, West........”

....Silently he departed. 

The room was cold and lonely in the stillness. 

The curtains billowed in the wind, the sound only emphasizing how desolate the room was.

The hand on her face gradually turned cold, until in the end it was as cold as ice. She still didn’t react, only continuing to sing the song.

Her voice was tender and musical as she sang a song about a lifetime’s longing and waiting for someone. 

________

“Staying in one place is not preserving one’s memory. Will the Emperor want to see you like this?” Yun Ge appeared to not want to hear the rest and quickly said “Dr. Chang, you don’t understand. To me he has never left, he is always here.”

Everyone has moved forward. To the entire world, Liu Xun was now the Emperor. Everyone has forgotten him. Those who once sidled up to him, those who curried his favor, those who hated him, everyone has forgotten him.

His figure has faded into the distant time, disappearing little by little each day. Until the very end, when history became only the ink in a book and his life would be sandwiched between other Emperors, not even able to catch one’s eye.

But only she was lucid. In the passage of time, nothing grew faint, and in fact actual grew more vivid. She was lucid and didn’t fit into this time. Everyone wanted to seek their future by walking forward, yet she was the only one constantly reminding them. 

Don’t forget! Don’t you dare forget! He once sat on the gold throne. He once smiled on Shen Ming Tower. He once worked so hard so that everyone’s live would be better. No one is allowed to forget..... 

Is it because there is nothing in the future that she wants? Is that why everyone runs forward and all she wants to do is stand in place?  

___________

Yun Ge felt the sword enter her back and in that moment, she felt a sense of lightness as if shedding a heavy burden.

She didn’t ever want to face this, because her memory stopped at the moment when they were embracing in the snow in the mountain.

At that moment, he asked her to sing to him and then she fell asleep. When she woke up, she was in a strange carriage, therefore she never felt like he died. In her memory, he was just away temporarily. So she never wanted to hear others say he died in front of her. But now she had no choice but to face the reality that he had left her forever. No matter if she cried or laughed, no matter how much pain she was in, he would never respond to her. Because her Ling gege was laying here under this great vast expanse of earth.

  

“Ling gege, I’m so tired! I can’t walk anymore. I know you want me to keep climbing that mountain and I’ll see an even more beautiful sunrise. But that isn’t what I want. It might be more beautiful, but I only want you! I don’t want another sunrise!”

“Ling gege, can I not climb the mountain anymore? I really can’t climb anymore. I want to close my eyes and go to sleep. In my dreams you’ll be there. Even if you don’t talk that will be fine. I want to keep sleeping, I don’t ever want to wake up..........”

“Ling gege, if you knew how hard it was for me, won’t your heart hurt? You won’t want me to keep climbing the mountain, right? You’ll agree that I should rest....” 

___________

The glass house in Yun Ge’s hand glittered under the sunlight, a rainbow of hues taking one’s breath away. But its beauty was as fragile as a beautiful dream, the glass under the sun so easily shattered at any time.

Yun Ge held the glass house with both her hands and looked towards the rising sun. Her eyelashes were still wet with tears but a small smile appeared on her lips. She put the glass house back in the box and then leaned against the railing.

She looked at Xiao Mei and then pointed at her own heart “I will be going with him. He always wanted to see the world outside of Chang An, so I’m going to travel where my heart takes us.”

___________

The face was the same, the dark eyes appeared not to have changed, but in truth it had endured the frost and unending amounts of sadness.

At first glance, an Autumn lake was like a Spring lake, the waters the same color. But a deeper look reveals that underneath was not the warmth of March where the

creatures are starting to come to life, but was instead the cold of October, when the world was already silent. 

“In this lifetime, I will never forget Ling gege.”




....she smiled and put her finger on her lips, indicating for him not to speak. 

“I will never lock him away in the deep recesses of my heart, and I don’t want to lock him away in the deep recesses of my heart. I know I miss him so much, so I want to miss him openly. He loved reading travel journals, so I plan to travel the world and hear about interesting things and write it all down so I can read it to him. I will search for the newest foods, and maybe ten or twenty years later, you will read a cookbook written by me. When I was learning medicine, I promised not to waste what I’ve learned, so I will heal people wherever I’m needed.”

Yun Ge continued “Didn’t all of you ask me to forget all those painful memories and start over again? Now I’ve finally decided to do that. I want to forget everyone and everything, and only remember the things that are between Ling gege and myself. If you want me to start over again, then please let me go! If you keep following me, then I will always remember the moment when you and Huo Cheng Jun forced me to drink the abortion medicine. I’ll remember the satchel you made...........”

“In the thousands of miles of wilderness, I’m sure I can find my peace and solitude.”

Yun Ge finished and jumped on the boat. The river breeze blew her hair around her face and her robe fluttered in the wind. 

This parting, she did not mention meeting again, because she didn’t intend to ever see him again. She only wanted to walk the rest of her life with Liu Fu Ling by her side.

He rushed into the river, falling and stumbling as he tried to chase her “Yun——–Ge——“

His cry contained the sorrow of this world, but it was quickly consumed by the sound of the rolling waves. Only the water continued to flow forward, taking with it all the gatherings and partings of this world. 

__________

Final thoughts: 

I initially thought that I would be attracted to Meng Jue more in this novel because I thought he is like the "xiang liu" of the book. But I can sternly say that Liu Fu Ling completely stole my heart. It's indeed amazing how his parts in the book are very little compared to Meng Jue or Liu Bing Yi but the impact of his character is immense. When Ling ge ge stole the spotlight in the volume, i thought that Meng Jue has no chance of being with Yunge anymore. Their love is so pure and the moments that they shared are so simple and austere, as if they created a whole new world just for themselves. Mengjue and Yun Ge romantic moments are so pale in comparison with Yun ge and her ling ge ge. Like a true soulmate, words are not needed for them to express their love.  It's as if they are created to complete each other. I remember Liu Fung Ling also said that Yunge is like a part of him already and he said "How can one part with his own heart." Their love is utterly beautiful......Just like what Tong Hua wrote for LFL: "It’s like you just stand in the distance and all your emotions are so light that it leaves no mark. It’s so light that even your machinations are light." It's so light that his presence simply resonates with my heart. I like how Tong Hua uses restraint when writing his character because he just simply is. His character is simplicity at its best.